The Undead Heart

Fascinating how things turn out, isn't it.

Just a week or so ago, I was in fear of my life -- or my mortal life, anyway -- and here I am, pledged to safety by four people, two of whom were the cause of my fear. I wanted to be needed in the court; I am at least desired, though the recruiters seem to be out in force.

Spirit Interface has given me the standing of Garou Kinfolk, and seemed surprised that I would think that there might me strings attached. I should think he might have foreseen my caution, unless he really had no idea of how careful I need to be in court. Many people want me, and few blink at using such things as misdirection to get me. I wonder whether he will ever realize exactly how much trust in him I showed by taking his offer without finding out what conditions there might be.

I just read that last paragraph, and it sounds quite conceited. It seems so very odd that I would be this sought-after...

Marcus D'Canti seems to have trouble realizing that, while I may work with him, I still am not inclined to trust him. Especially after his delegation of Mattie Storin in his (rather abrupt) absence, he strikes me as prone to ill-considered action and political blindness; I have heard casually from a couple of people that his choice of substitute was not very wise in regards to the Treaty of the Trinity. I still need to read that document for myself, but it fits with my impression of him. Even if his ulterior motives -- and he has them, as does everyone here -- are fairly innocuous, he may be dangerous to be around, as he will eventually stumble blindly into too much trouble for him to handle. In that event, he might also take down everyone in his vicinity.

Steven Millan has very nearly gotten down on his knees and begged my forgiveness for frightening me. I thought that Ezra's reaction was strange, but Steven's behavior was not at all what I expected from the reputation held by the Tremere. I had thought that he might press the issue -- thus my alarm -- and if he was turned down, he would at least bear it with calm aloofness, and perhaps a slightly injured pride. Like a cat who has been snubbed, perhaps -- hurt, but determined not to make it obvious, and taking refuge in dignity.

Instead, I get his letter saying that he is "pained and saddened" to hear that he had caused my distress. I reassured him that no, I wasn't going to decide never to speak to him again, and that it was all right now -- I had the bizarre urge to pat him on the head and croon. Add to this Ezra's reaction of solicitous and slightly amused concern, and I think I may have to revise my image of the Tremere altogether.

The people in this court are bewildering, especially of late -- or maybe it's simply the fact that I didn't know enough in the past to have made conclusions about them. I wonder if they make a habit of shattering peoples' conceptions of them; it certainly seems that way.

Riley is back. It seems to be a tradition here that the dead come back to life -- and that apparently includes those who were dead to start with. I should start taking news of deaths with a few pounds of salt, it seems... Though Riley is not as steady as he was, I think. His reaction to loud noises and crowds were quite severe, and while I am flattered that he trusted me to stand as protection for him in his moments of weakness, I am concerned for him. I've seen nerves like his coming straight off the front lines... I hope he finds some way to heal the wounds in his mind and heart, and learn to live with the scars. He is not in good shape, no matter how he seems physically.

And speaking of news of deaths, there is Feld. There was doubt even on the night of his assault about whether he had truly been killed, and that doubt still remains. The search for his killer ended with the clearing of Spirit's name, and I suspect that Ezra and Jeremy both may have had a hand in the silence: Ezra to prevent chaos in the court, and Jeremy to quell suspicions that he might not be entitled to the position -- and perhaps rumors that he arranged for its vacancy. If Spirit continued the investigation, he did so quietly, and perhaps wisely so.

But now I have word from Spirit that he received a message from someone who may have been Feld, and the doubt revives. He left the court to go to the source of the message, and I am waiting to see whether he will give me what information he has; the silence has gone on long enough. I also recall that the disturbance in court which unnerved Riley so was a psychotic episode by Lady and a strange Kindred -- the only two Malkavians in court at the moment. It was determined that it was a reflection of the experiences of another Malkavian somewhere (I believe they are all linked together somehow), but no one knew who. Neither of the other two Malkavians I have known personally were there: Elise and Feld -- and though there is the whisper of ugly rumors about Elise's absence, I wonder whether it might be that Feld is still alive somewhere, and that it was his distress that caused the uproar. If it were either of them, it would upset me greatly.

I feel a bit guilty about not trying to find out the truth about Feld -- but where would I start? I have no connections with the Kindred outside of this court, and no contacts of my own that would know anything. I will feel a great deal worse if it turns out that he has been alive and in hostile hands all this time. I hope that Spirit will accept my help and we can find a way for me to be useful, because I can't just stand idly by now that there is the possibility we may find the truth. I owe Feld a great deal, and I wish I could give him back some of that.

Jeremy may be an obstacle in this, if he discovers what we are about. I suspect that he is enjoying the power a little too much, and is not considering the welfare of the court as much as his own interests. I knew where I stood with the last Prince, but I don't know how Jeremy regards a mortal -- perhaps simply as a meal or tool, as it is rumored some of the vampires feel. I do know that my position is awkward at best, as I am neither fish nor fowl, and until I came under Spirit's jurisdiction I wasn't protected by the Treaty; the most I could hope for was that Elysium rules would protect me, though I am not terribly familiar with them either. I am virtually certain that he does not have my interests in mind -- now I need to find out whether he cares about my interests or not. I am tired of being overlooked and ignored by the heirarchy, assigned to Marcus simply because he's one of the few other living, breathing people there; I need to start making my existence known, and make it matter to people.

Of course, now that I have Garou protection, I have a much greater chance of surviving such an act.

As to Jeremy's interests -- I think he may have a vested interest in keeping Feld "dead". I will assume so until I learn otherwise. I trust Jeremy no farther than I can throw a house; he is ruthless, and I need to keep that in mind and be wary to the point of paranoia. I bring the memory of the bloodhunt declaration on Brian Flanagan: he wouldn't need to explain my death either. Though if I understand correctly, the Trinity now gives me a degree of protection, but I won't assume that he will not consider throwing out the Treaty. If not in the business about Feld, then over something else.

There is so much to put my efforts to; I want to help track down the Mangler, but I think Feld takes first priority if we have a lead. I should probably also try to contact Elise if possible, and find out where she is. I hope that she has not come to harm, and I hope very much that Feld is alive and well. He was frightening, and awe-inspiring, and very strange, but he was also approachable and even kindly toward me. I felt that he deserved my loyalty and my respect. Only Spirit and Riley have come close to that for me.

It is time to assume the authority I never dared take while I was unprotected, and see that the mortal faction is heard from. I just hope I have the nerves and the eloquence to pull it off.