August 25, 1999
What a week... I may not write a diary often, but sometimes the act of writing things down helps sort them out in my mind. I hope it works this time, anyway...
I seem, once again, to have a choice. I know that Kindred don't often offer them, and this is the second time Steven has left the decision in my hands -- he truly is kind to me, in his own way. He also respects me, and I respect him for it. Still, these are not easy choices he leaves me...
What have I gotten into? When I decided to offer my blood to Steven, I never thought it would be like that... and both he and Ezra have been cautioning me about their bestial nature. How is it I never thought about the fact that I was putting my life in his hands -- he who was almost out of control with that girl two weeks ago? I trust him to keep his word and not to hurt me, but I know how he is sometimes after court...
There's the fact that he might get carried away and drink too much -- I assume he wouldn't do it if he were in control of himself, as experience probably tells him how much to take... although I don't know how old he is, I think he must have been around for a while. I do trust him, but I don't want to become a breach of the Masquerade, especially posthumously -- or worse yet, become one of them... I don't know whether I'd rather die or become a vampire, and I don't want to find out. I worry most about his rage, like that night in Berkeley.
There may be some precautions I can take, but I don't know who to talk to about it... I don't want to mention it to Ezra, as she's Steven's superior, and I know he dreads her displeasure -- I don't want to go behind his back and tell her if she doesn't know, not if I don't know how she'd take it. Normally she's the one I'd ask, and I'm not sure there's anyone else in the court I can talk to about it... Greg is trustworthy, but I'm not sure whether he's sane enough to give a good answer; I can't get a hold of Ashford, even were I sure of him, and besides, I don't know how much contact he has with the mortal world... Jeremiah might be a good bet, if I can contact him, though I don't know him well. The problem is, it would probably be pretty clear why I was asking, and I don't want to give this information to anyone who would use it against Steven.
I think I was under the impression that I'd be able to stop him if he went too far -- I know now that I probably wouldn't notice, let alone be able to do anything... my god, what a feeling.
It's so strange to think of him -- stiff Tremere, and Prince now to boot; usually so much on his dignity -- laughing with real humor about his girlfriends in college, or about the escapade getting Feld... strange to think of his arms around me, and the feel of his mouth on my neck. The thought of him as a sensual creature never crossed my mind...
I offered him my blood to make sure he didn't just go out and get some drunk sorority girl to feed from, to keep him at least a bit more sober... I do feel better knowing that he's not getting drunk, and he seems to be feeling a bit less depressed in general; I know he would rather feed from me than anyone else -- he told me that his feelings add to the experience. I would imagine it would be like having sex with someone you love rather than just a one-night stand... and maybe that analogy is the closest thing to it. It certainly felt sexual, to me at least, and he said that it feels nearly as good to him... Though he was right: I certainly didn't think that was what I was offering.
My feelings are very mixed... On the one hand, I'm worried about the risk of dying or being hurt; I'm worried about the added possibility someone would discover his feelings for me and use them against him; I'm having trouble accepting him as -- a lover, I guess, both as the friend I know and as one of the undead. It's so hard to encompass the idea of ecstasy at his hands, or being intimate with a dead man... I don't think it would be good for me to think too hard about that.
On the other hand, my wish to experience that feeling again aside -- and it is a very strong desire -- I still want to help him get rid of his alcohol habit, both as a friend and as someone looking out for the court. I don't think it's good for him or for the Prince to be getting drunk regularly, and Ezra feels the same way, I think. I respect him greatly and care about him; he's never been anything but considerate to me, whatever his motivations at the time. And I know that it would help him to have some pleasure in his life -- he seems to have very little. He said that it was one truly good thing that had happened to him in the past few days. I want to help a friend, but I don't know.
I may be able to get the subject past Ezra, using the events at the sorority as a cover for my questions, although I think it would raise her suspicions... there may be no other way. If I can reduce the risks a bit somehow, though, I would feel better about the whole thing. I can at least carry that spirit card for Ezra on me, just in case he gets out of control and I can't get away... I don't think he's as fast as she is, in fact he said it was unusual for a Tremere to have that ability. Maybe -- especially if we're at the Chantry -- I could hold him off long enough for her to get there. The thing is, if he's not in a rage and simply gets carried away, I might even want him to keep drinking, with the way it feels. I need to find out whether I can carry blood transfusions in my car, and whether it would do any good...
They're so alien, yet so human, really... cold to the touch and bestial, but concerned about some of the same things mortals are. As he said, the Garou were never human, for all that some of them are brought up as mortals... Kindred were, and to a certain extent, still are human. I sometimes see the person that Steven used to be, when he relaxes... Ezra is warm to me personally, not only to the touch but in manner. They are good people, often, whatever their physical state; I think that's why I hold my friends in the court so dear. They frighten me, but I have to help a friend, and there are so many things they need assistance with, personally and otherwise.
Still, it's odd to think of Steven flinching from sunlight, or taking a bullet without stopping -- as I know they can do... I'm beginning to think he's not supernaturally strong, but it still frightens me when I'm at the physical mercy of any Kindred -- he is simply a bit less alarming, as he's more gentle with me. Such a split nature... As I get to know his true personality, the difference between his sides becomes more and more striking.
I have a little while to decide -- he took at least a pint, and my body needs time to replace it. Exactly how long, I don't know -- I would assume he would have a better feel for it from experience. I'll see what I can do about talking to someone -- Ezra, I think, despite the risks -- and hedging my bets a bit. Maybe Vladimir knows something, he has some healing experience, and I know he's discreet -- he'd have to be, in that place. I'll see what I can turn up.